How to Leave Your Negative Mindset in the Dust

Learn to leave your negative mindset behindProcrastinators are oftentimes victims of their own negative mindset.  Rather than coaching themselves towards success, Procrastinators lean towards doom and gloom, predicting humiliation and failure for themselves.  

It is no wonder then, that Procrastination tends to be a problem that continues without being corrected or halted.  The combination of negative mindset and Procrastination limits our natural leanings towards freedom and forward movement.  We end up being consumed with worry and fear instead of putting our heads down and getting our work done.  

What gives rise to a negative mindset?

The roots of a negative mindset can be found in many diverse areas:

  • low self-esteem
  • lack of self-confidence
  • growing up with overly critical parents or other authority figures
  • growing up in dysfunctional, chaotic environments
  • early notable academic or personal success which gives rise to anxiety about performance as the child grows up
  • depression

Negative thoughts certainly can occur on a daily basis.  We need to be mindful of when they dominate our frame of mind and outlook.  When we become mired in negative thoughts and negative predictions of future events, we short-circuit our own ability to think clearly and to act with the full power of our skills, intelligence, and resources.  

We begin to limit our own sense of freedom.  We begin to act as if we are broken, impaired, incompetent, or less than we really are.

Four ways to break free of a negative mindset

Fortunately, a negative mindset does not have to be a permanent part of your life.  Use the following four suggestions to avoid getting stuck in negativity:

  1. Evaluate the purpose of your self-dialogue.  Are you trying to scare yourself out of taking action?  Are you trying to convince yourself that you don’t have what it takes to more forward?  Be honest with yourself when you do this kind of evaluation.
  2. Question whether you want your negative thoughts to be true.  (I learned this technique from an Amy Porterfield business podcast.)   Look at the picture you are painting with your self-talk and decide if you indeed want this picture to become your reality.  If the answer is “no,” then change the words you are using to coach yourself.
  3. Learn how to generate action from your thoughts.  What could you replace your negative mindset and language with?  A plan?  A deadline?   A supportive person?  A goal?  A work sprint at a coffee shop?  Replace the anxiety that comes from negative thinking with some sort of action.  The replacement doesn’t need to be dramatic, big, or important.  It just needs to put you back in motion.
  4. Decide to give yourself the benefit of a balanced frame of mind.  Instead of walking around with an overburdened brain, decide to give yourself a break.  Allow yourself to approach every new challenge with an open mind and heart, without expectations of failure and with a presumption of eventual success.

Here’s a bonus technique to try

When you think about your next new challenges, ask yourself the question: “Am I working towards keeping my freedom or am I surrendering it?”  As long as you work towards your next action, you maintain your flexibility and your capacity to learn.  Once you decide to stay stagnant and to let that stagnation go on and on, you become more vulnerable to anxiety and stress.

Keep in mind that relying on Procrastination often puts your freedom and flexibility in jeopardy.  Make avoiding Procrastination a priority.  Learn to treat yourself well, in thought and in action, and the payoffs will keep coming your way.

If you are interested in getting some support in your efforts to adjust your mindset, please consider joining the Procrastination Coach Facebook Group.  You’ll find information, articles, and loads of support from me and the community within the group.  

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5 Areas that Procrastinators Have All Wrong

Waste“What a waste.”

What kind of feelings did you just have reading the phrase “What a waste?”  Did you feel guilty?  Did you feel ashamed?  Did the phrase sound really familiar?

I grew up being pretty conscious of not wasting things, like food and material items. Conserve, conserve, and then conserve some more.  And then reuse, please.

Many years later, I read an article (I regret that I didn’t save it) that somehow linked being afraid of the idea of wasting things and Procrastination.  Essentially, those who are afraid to waste things are more inclined to Procrastinate.  At least that’s how I remembered the content of the article.

And that seems to make total sense to me.  If you are finely attuned to not causing waste, you are generally more inclined to hang on to things.  And you guessed it ladies and gentlemen, Procrastinators tend to hang on to things way too long.

A central part of my own recovery from chronic Procrastination was understanding that when I hung on to things, I was wasting the asset I should have been protecting most carefully — time.

Gradually, I started re-evaluating all of my movements.  Were they in line with my needs? Were they time-efficient?  Over time, I began to feel much more comfortable with USING time well.  I wasn’t saddled with an amorphous feeling of time waste any more.  I was able to develop goals that seemed bigger to me than “Don’t be wasteful.”  I now am happy to say, I use my time pretty well.

Here’s a list of items you might have thought were wastes of your time and energy that are actually essential to healthy living:

  1. Exercise
  2. Taking time out or having down time
  3. Spending time with others
  4. Cleaning and tidying
  5. Being thoughtful about your goals and intentions

The list above contains items that on first thought, might make us feel fearful of taking all of our time up.  But on second thought, each item on the list leads to us feeling lighter. Let’s feel lighter.

There’s always going to be a little bit of a time waste factor.  We’re human, not finely-tuned robots.  And time speeds by really quickly.  Enjoy those bits of waste as you learn to use the time that is yours with all the spirit you have.  You won’t be wasting your time.

News to share:

I invite you to join The Procrastination Coach Facebook Group if you are interested in recovering from your Procrastination and if you interested in being part of a thoughtful, supportive community.  Please go here if you would like to start.

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There’s Something I’ve Been Meaning to Tell You

Your dissatisfaction can go now.There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.

I’ve been trying mightily to train myself to let things be.  This is harder than getting a Ph.D. in Psychology y’all since I managed that but still struggle with the other.

Many life moments have brought this important life step to my attention.  Facing loss, illness, stress, and unwelcome surprises.  Watching some people let things be so magically and watching others spend every spare second figuring out what to worry and stress out about next.  Wanting to get clearer on my own life’s purpose while also trying to reduce any sense of heaviness or burden in it.

Getting into this as a practice of daily living has been interesting so far.  I have tried to be more mindful of my approach.  Simplicity helps.  Limiting how much I worry helps. Believing everything will be alright helps.

There’s an essential anxiety about living.  Tension in every moment perhaps.  Fill it or let it be?  So many of us choose to fill, fill, fill.  Letting it be seems like a loser easy way out.

But there’s the rub.  We’ve been faked out.  We Procrastinators stop functioning because we get scared or frustrated or too busy or freaked out or bored or befuddled or apathetic. We respond to the moment by listening to our feelings about it rather than to the moment and what it calls for.

So here’s what I’ve been meaning to tell you.  You needn’t worry.  You needn’t struggle to find out the gazillion ways you know this moment doesn’t suit you or isn’t perfect.  Your dissatisfaction can go now.  It might leave slowly, but it can definitely go.  And you can handle what is in front of you.

And here’s something I’ve been telling everyone I can: listen to the James Altucher podcast, episode number 119 with Michael Singer — The Surrender Experiment.  It’s a great discussion of how to work the letting go and accepting mindset.  Enjoy.

What do you have difficulty accepting?  Which feelings prevent you from being okay with what is happening around you?  What can you decide to let go of?  Please share some thoughts with us here.  Best wishes to you today.  

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Celebrating 100 Posts! (Lessons Learned Too)

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Celebrating 100 posts!  YAHOO!

Maintaining this blog has become a great creative outlet for me both personally and professionally.  It’s also been a tremendous learning experience.  Every time I sit down to write, it’s a new adventure.  If you’ve been following my posts for a while, you know that the adventure can be a bit hairy, but I sincerely hope you’ve found the adventure to be fun and informative too.

It doesn’t really get easier to create or to write posts, but the fact that I’ve developed a body of work and a routine of posting regularly is a big plus in favor of my keeping going rather than giving up.

I’ve also learned:

  • I can help people just by writing.
  • I can help myself by jumping in and seeing where things go without having a pre-set plan.
  • I can have low-creativity days, but I can survive them and come back from them.
  • I can fit writing work in even when I don’t think I’ll have the time.
  • I can make something out of what seems like thin air.
  • I can feel accomplished when I try new things, even when I don’t know as much as what other people know about those new things.
  • I can make great friends (e.g. those people who know those things).
  • I don’t have to make masterpieces to relay my message.
  • My message is worth working for.

Here’s another thing I learned in preparing for this 100th post:

We can scare ourselves out of just about anything.

In getting excited about this post, I also got a bit hysterical.  First, I figured I needed a really snazzy image or photo to denote the big deal of reaching 100 posts.  Then, I figured I needed some really smash-down content to denote the super big deal of reaching 100 posts.  And then, I worried I wouldn’t have either and my anxiety near shut me down.

In true blogger style, I decided to trudge on and make something of this mini-struggle of mine.  I decided to set it down as it was – my anxiety about something pretty much insignificant and totally made up by me.  You see, 100 is just a number, and it’s actually just another post.  But as Procrastinators, we know well how there are mundane moments or tasks in our lives that we somehow manage to make into momentous nightmares for ourselves, and make ourselves disabled just by our thoughts.

I hope you understand my message — you can move past your anxiety, especially if it’s crafted just perfectly by you for the occasion at hand.  Congratulate yourself on your creativity and your engagement, and then move on and do the work that needs to get done.  No drama, no excitement, just get ‘er done.

Reaching 100 posts does actually mean something to me.  It’s kind of unthinkable that a Procrastinator like me might carry through to 100.  Having readers like you, who care to change your lives for the better makes my journey worthwhile, and the work worth doing.

Here’s looking forward to the next 100.  I’m nervous already.

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16 Tips for Speeding Up Your Productivity

I have a habitual problem with slowness.  Not with how I walk or talk, but how I get to things.  And how I get to a point of being able to focus on what I am focusing on.  It is a constant, daily exercise for me to work on these struggles, and I have learned a few tricks over the years which have helped me to squeeze in a little more work each time.  Making these extra efforts helps me to keep abreast of my own affairs.

Here’s a quick list of 16 of my sneaky techniques:

  1. Add one or two more points.  Get that much closer to starting the next thing on your list by wrapping up the project you are currently doing with gusto.  Use that energy to push you forward rather than letting yourself come to a cold, hard stop.  Jot down some ideas to help you gear up for the next project on your list.
  2. Drop one or two items.  For example, if you are thinking of buying items off a supply list, see where you might be able to shave off some time by re-purposing what you already own.  Save yourself some moolah in the process.
  3. Shorten what you need to write.  This particularly works well when writing texts and e-mails.  This also often helps to increase the clarity of your message.
  4. Change your style and/or format.  As in Tip #3, this works well with texts and e-mails.  A formal e-mail exchange might end up looking like a list of bullet points by the time you are through.
  5. Batch your items.  Bundle your work rather than spreading it out over time.  For instance, you can tackle all your laundry at once.  Batch your work so you don’t have to waste time stopping and starting it again and repeating the process needlessly.
  6. Make a conscious effort to work quickly.  Remind yourself of all the good stuff you want to get to after your hard work is done.  Refresh your work speed by reading “Do Things Quickly.”
  7. Break things up.  This is the opposite of Tip #5, but sometimes it’s good to switch things up to increase your productivity and speed.
  8. Stop and evaluate what is going on when you find yourself working at a particularly slow pace.  Do you need to get a drink of water?  Do you need to eat? Do you need to find a work buddy?
  9. Jot down a quick list of what needs to be done to keep yourself focused.  Don’t be perfectionistic or obsessional with this list.  Taking two minutes to make a quick list will improve your focus right away.
  10. Put distracting thoughts aside.  Jot them down as they pop up, so you don’t forget them and they don’t distract you.  Try the Emergent Task Planner to help you manage the items from Tips #9 and #10.
  11. Identify what your next (small, doable) action step is.  This tip never fails to get people moving.
  12. Decide what your point is.  Sometimes we hover around “the point” and write too much, talk too much, and think too much.  Figure out what is at the heart of your efforts.  Then head in that direction.
  13. Pretend what you’re doing isn’t so important.  Reducing your stress in this way can do wonders for your work speed.
  14. Talk about your plans with someone else.  I find when coaching clients know I know what they are planning to do, there is a higher chance those items will get done.  Go public with your plans.
  15. Make it a game.  Use a timer.  Challenge your colleague.  Track your speeds on a spreadsheet.  Make a bet with your work group.  See how you might adapt the idea of gaming for productivity in your own life.  De-emphasize the work, and up the fun.
  16. Decide it’s important.  Focus by will and intention.  Hone in.

There.  I’ve just told you everything I know.  Best of luck using these tips and creating some of your own.  Let me know how you do.

What tips do you find helpful for speeding yourself up?

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What to Do When You Don’t Know Everything, or, Tips for Every Day

When I began my graduate school training to be a clinical psychologist, I was worried.  In particular, I was worried because not only was I one of the youngest in my cohort, but because I also had almost no experience in psychology.  I had never done or seen an intake session.  My classmate conducted an intake (in front of all of us classmates) like it was something she had done daily for the past 20 years.  I was freaking out internally, but I remained calm on the outside.  Who exactly could I express my anxiety to anyhow?  My new classmates?  Nope.  Not happening.

I was also worried in a bigger way.  I believed I would never be completely ready to be a psychologist because I could not possibly ever know everything.  And that meant I believed at that very important time in my life that because I was training to be a psychologist, I needed to know everything.  I wondered, “What if a patient asks me to explain every sexually transmitted disease in existence?”  “What if I need to describe how planes take flight?”  You get my message.  The potential for on-going worry was endless.

Fortunately for me, I survived my graduate school training.  Fortunately for you, I’m still pretending I know everything by writing this blogpost, but feeling more calm and collected about what I actually know.  What I know now is this:

  • You don’t have to know everything.  No one does.  No one can.
  • Don’t assume you know everything.
  • People do not assume you know everything.
  • Don’t worry when you inevitably get caught not knowing everything.
  • You can use your lack of knowledge to learn more.
  • Keep your mind as open as you can.  People will appreciate that as your eagerness and capacity to learn.
  • Life will teach you what you need to know.  There is actually no getting around this point.
  • If you are a professional, e.g. a doctor, your patients and clients can help you to know more.  You can help them get over their own worries about not knowing it all, e.g. what to do, how to cope, where to turn.
  • Everyone has some anxiety about how competent they are.  Use this fact as a way to connect with people around you rather than to feel inferior or superior to them.
  • Knowledge isn’t everything.  It isn’t what we really treasure most.  For example, knowledge, for me, does not trump trust, love, and kindness.
  • Knowledge is not the equivalent of competence.  So stop beating yourself up if you feel you don’t know enough.  You are good enough.

Thanks for reading about my journeys in graduate school anxiety.  I hope my reflections and tips help you to enjoy your sense of your potential more.

Do you have any tips for getting around the need to know everything?  If so, please send a reply.

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Making Our Differences More Apparent

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a psychologist and working with patients it’s that we are all of different speeds and intensities.  No two of us are really alike in the ways I’m wanting to talk about here.  Though we may be the same age, look like each other, or be assigned to the same work group, we each have different ways of receiving information, processing our reactions, and generating new ideas.

I’ve noticed we tend to get ourselves into trouble when we start to insist that we fit into others’ ways of behaving or vice versa.  For instance…

  • “I have to get everyone to agree with how I’m seeing this.”
  • “I should have chosen A even though I like B more.”
  • “I need to make this decision because everyone thinks I should go in this direction.”
  • “I’m incompetent because I work so much more slowly than my friends do.”
  • “I’m really not in the mood for this, but I will pretend I am because I feel I’ll let people down if I don’t put on my happy face.”
  • “I can’t move forward with this project because it is not perfect.  I cannot let people know I’m in this state right now.”

As you can see, the self-statements are varied, but they are all similar in that they each keep the self in a less-than-good state.  When we try to bend ourselves in ways that don’t suit us, we cramp our own style.  And we need our own style to make:

  • creative work
  • interesting conversation
  • new ways of interacting
  • effective decisions
  • future plans

Without adding our own style and individual pace and rhythm to what we do, we end up not feeling comfortable with what we make.  And then we add to that mistake by believing we are without talent in the first place.  What a very sad way of looking at your very talented self.

Please take a look at how you might be restricting yourself from being your full self right now.  Look for ways your might relax your own constraints.  Find a new way to experiment and to make interesting mistakes and fumbles.  Try a different technique for asking for someone’s help or attention.  Dare I say it?  Make yourself stand out a bit more, particularly in the ways that only you can do.

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If You Feel Irresponsible

I was sorting through the day’s snail mail, when I had the thought about how very responsible I was being, sorting out the day’s mail.  It was a minor thought, but really the idea of being responsible is a pretty significant one for me.

I grew up feeling I was irresponsible.  It wasn’t just a feeling.  I was convinced I was irresponsible.  Like it was an indisputable fact.

I think the idea of my being irresponsible was not wholly untrue.  Indeed, I was called “flaky” and “space cadet” by humorous and accurate peers growing up.  During the college years and somewhat after that, I had a penchant for cancelling on people at the last minute or because I felt overwhelmed by some matter or another.  Oh, and need I mention that I was late all of the time.  Sometimes so late no explanation could possibly cover the gap of time that needed to be explained.

The funny thing is, I am not irresponsible.  I may actually have a case of real hyper-responsibility that is masked as a mess-of-a-life sometimes.  Perhaps my lack of awareness of how to behave in certain situations and of how to be organized enough to avoid undue problems made me seem uncaring to others and even sometimes to myself.  That emotional confusion which was both internal for me and interpersonal with my family, friends, and colleagues remained as a block to my thinking clearly about decisions, obligations, how to have fun, and how best to be responsible.

Good news is, I am a problem-solver.  And with the good fortune that I also possess, I was able to recover from this emotional confusion as an adult.  In many ways, my life is more mundane now, as I am no longer submerged by drama all of the time, or feelings of crisis.  It’s not that stuff doesn’t happen to me or to people I care about, it’s just that I can see what I need to see now.  I am far less confused.

I’m sharing this to help you to understand your own negative feelings about yourself are just that – feelings.  Very little is totally unchangeable about how you are and how you behave.

The next time you think about labelling someone irresponsible (or the next time you think of yourself as irresponsible), pause and reflect on how complex a field and person you may be commenting on.

What epiphanies have you had today while sorting mail?  Please share or else you’ll have to feel irresponsible.  Kidding.

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Use Your Guilt Productively

Untitled (2)Use Your Guilt Productively.  Sounds like kind of a nutty blog post title to me.

I feel guilty about that, but I will get over that and try to write.

As a psychologist and a person with a guilt-checkered past, I am amazed at the types of guilt I see in myself and others.

I/You can feel guilt about:

  • not being able to handle everything
  • not being able to make a decision that makes perfect sense
  • not being able to stick to your own guidelines
  • feeling resentful
  • feeling needy
  • feeling restless
  • feeling good
  • wanting something different
  • being different

I am pretty sure you can add to this non-exhaustive list, because you are a Procrastinator (or because you are a person).

In my opinion, guilt is a highly overrated concept.  I often say to patients, “Your guilt is useless.”  May seem rough to you, but it gets patients to consider what is really operating for them beneath the guilty feelings.  What they discover may include:

  • an imbalanced relationship causing their discomfort
  • important messages which they have not communicated
  • a belief that they should have more control, when that is not possible
  • a lack of awareness of what feels “right,” due to years of suppressing their natural awareness of what is right for them

Guilt seems to be a placeholder for people’s conflicted feelings.  Guilt rushes in to make us feel remorseful and inadequate, and disguises the clarity of our real feelings.  “I want this, but I am forced to do that.”  “I did this, but I really needed to do that instead.”  This tension between two different positions is the definition of conflict.  When we do not address the conflict, the symptoms commence (#IstolethatfromFreud).

So, maybe we can use our guilt feelings in some productive way.  This brings to mind the idea of getting a car out of a muddy area.  You know you are in deep, but you also know this is not the end of the world.  You place some kitty litter, gravel, or branches under your tires.  You pause, take a breath, brace yourself, then you go — onward ho — with your car and yourself intact.  You just want out, and you are going to motivate yourself and your car forward.

Using this idea of moving forward to deal with guilt tends to work.  Guilt tends to be transitory and certainly should be.  No good ever came out of permanently-affixed guilt.  Just saying.  You can learn over time to use guilt feelings as a trigger for some sort of action to take care of your feelings and to take care of yourself.  You can use guilt feelings as a sign you need to evaluate what you are in conflict over.  You might use your guilt feelings to remind yourself to pause and to breathe through your stress.  Maybe guilt isn’t so useless after all.

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Validation is Nice, but Not Necessary

Quote #1 - Anna Freud (1)When we look outside of ourselves for confirmation of what we feel and do, we complicate matters a lot.  We turn from knowing what we feel and do, to looking in other directions, away from ourselves.  At times, we can look everywhere and anywhere else for any sign that things are all okay.  We can even start to wrack our minds about how the future will or will not pan out for us.  And in the moments we turn to the presumed future for answers, we turn away from the entirety of what reality and the present moment have to give us.

There are many, myriad situations which may cause us to lose our bearing:

  • unexpected stress
  • sudden changes
  • when there are no clear right answers
  • when it appears there are no favorable outcomes possible
  • when someone disrespects us
  • when we feel passionately about our cause
  • when we imagine dangers
  • when we feel unsure
  • when we care about other’s opinions a bit too much

Truthfully, it is not that difficult for us to get out of touch with what we think and feel.  I would guess it happens multiple times a day to most of us.  And many of those times happen outside of our awareness, like a mild breeze passing by.  Others cause us to shake and to shiver in our boots, making us feel completely ungrounded, useless, and spent.

If you cannot imagine ever trusting your own sense about your actions and feelings, think again.  You are actually a smooth running operator, tripped up only by your own sense of vulnerability.  You move throughout the day actually trusting your gut about so much.  If you have gotten out of practice in connecting to what your gut is telling you, I want you to know this is fixable.  Start practicing active listening to yourself, your instincts, and your inclinations.  It will be broadly useful to you if you do.

Although we may enjoy and rely on others’ commenting and validating what we do, it is not an essential part of our capacity to act on our own behalf.

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